I tried to control things in my life but I never did. This time, luckily or unluckily, I pushed myself out before I lost the total control. I’m unlovable. I can’t stop having this crazy thought. Because so many things passed by, those things I wanted so much and those things I thought deserved, but nothing lasted as I wanted or deserved.

I buried my head in my arms and I cried slightly, even thought I did control myself a lot from the beginning and thought I would learn from my old silly experience. After all, now, I still felt lost again, but with control finally. Chao told me Daniel called him about how great my animation was and thought I should be very happy to hear this. I felt ridiculous somehow. I was thinking I would find some one and make me care no more about this Daniel. But it turned out still no one, no one there to pull me out from all my weird past, all my moments and all my lost shine on me and hunt me when there is a chance. I am so weird and I don’t even know how to let people know my real sides. Maybe I don’t know myself. My crazy collecting diary, my plan with my destine golden guy, my mysterious dreams of prediction and my split attitudes, how can they understand and even like it, as I am not even sure whether I understand and like it myself.

I can now look at my pictures with the rock singer with an easy smile and claim how smooth my skin used to be. I always recall Reto in Tibet. It was my only romance without expectation, so it brought no hurt when it had to go and make it meaningless even to keep contact in my current real life. Then came to me Daniel, I can still feel something I buried so deep in my heart rushing when I try to touch my memory with him. No pains now but always long long sighs. Then I promised myself I would never fall for someone so deeply without control. So this time I would not risk much as I was in control. Yes, I was. But I forgot to control my expectation, or maybe I could never be able to control it. So when I felt the blue scooter was running too far and I would lost total control of it, I stopped.

Some tears for another dead expectation in my life. Bringing along all my weird past with no long peaceful relationship but all my idealist adventures, I don’t know how long I will go on like this, but I can only wait for my destiny to call. The prediction said there was no big change this year, but my 24^th year, next one, will be my turning point. I can only believe it so hard. I do want to wake up in the morning and drink coffee with a guy in easy silence.