Je tentais de me mettre dans l’amour après un café. Il ne peut jamais savoir mon propos, comme il prenait juste une heure pour finir la tasse et les mots. Je ne peux pas être sûr, comme il n’y avait que une tasse et des mots. Je ne suis plus si entreprenante que j’étais. Touts mes histoires de harzard volaient mes courages petit à petit. Et le garçon derrière le guichet dans le banque sourit à moi quand je parle mon pauvre français. Je l’a dit bon Noel et il ètait suprisé.Je voudrais bien un jour, quand je parle fréquement,lui demander si je fait des progres. Il pouvra tout à fait savoir que le tempt est passé.

 

J’ai vu beaucoup de frustrations de la vie mais je garde toujours mon ambition. J’aime la vie et je sais qu’il y a beaucoup de possibilités. Je crois que l’on a le destin pour tout et je crois mon destin. Pour moi chacun fait un peux de coîncidences et la réalisation entre le actualité et le rêve est peut être juste un mot.Je n’ai pas de peur du résultat. Aucun n’est pire que rien,n'est-ce pas? n'aie pas peur.

 

 

-------------------------------关于加加

 

She could not say she loved him.She was just used to him.No matter how carefree she was,no matter how casual she was,it still went to a little bit troublesome situation.When he was not here,when she was alone,she began to worry about herself.But nothing could be done now,she could only wait for things to go to the end by themselves,waiting for being used to become not being used and finally back to being used again.She was not sad.He had gone,but her life still moved on.She said in her heart,thank you, really nice meeting you.

 

She said, my name is Jar Jar.He said,wow,one of my fave song just sings 'When Jar Jar is calling'.Then they travelled together.The road condition was awful,she was sitting in the jumping bus and thought,another usual trip.When there was a traffic suspension,they sat on the grassland and had the dinner.The sun went down.He took out a package of cigarettes.She also felt like having one.There was a river flowing by and some lamas were resting there.A father pilgrim led his two older kids prostrating on the ground and the mother was dragging a shitty wooden cart with two little babies sleeping on it.there was also a dirty dog with really bad teeth following they on the way of their pilgrimage.She gave the kids handful sweets.He gave them the crackers he just opened.He sighed, I actually really like the crackers.At night he brought out the mini speaker and filled the room with the songs of Jar Jar.He said,knuschber,you are now my knuschber.He was tired and fell asleep soon.Jar Jar turned off the speakers and looked and her mate on another bed thinking, Reto who sleep like a dog has a cute dog name as well.Then she went to her dreams.

 

They decided to go to the monastery on the hill.On the way it just began to rain.He said let us hide under the bridge,then there came a stylish monk riding a big motorbike.He stopped chicly in front of them and offered them a ride.She sat in the middle holding the monk while he holding her.She was so excited and laughed all the way, saying,it is my first motorbike ride and i am with such cool tibetan super monk!He frowned and said,huh,you totally forget me now.They arrived at the monastery and hid under a eave from the rain for a while.All the monks there were standing around he observing his lip pierce and tattoo on his arm.After the rain they walked to the wide grassland behind the monastery.He was waiting for the eagles passing by to take a nice picture, while she was lying on the ground having a nap.then there came a tibetan kid taking his hand who seemed to lead them somewhere.He said,he is probably inviting us to his home for yak butter tea.Then they followed him to a really small shitty school with only one teacher.There they were so warmly welcomed and took a lot of pics for the kids.On their way down the hill they rested a little on a scarp.He took away one of her shoe and put it somewhere out of her reach.He throwed screes into her shoe and tried to frighten her, one more scree your shoe will go down the hill.She was not frightened at all and said,never mind, then you can carry me on your back down and pick it up.They walked a long way to find a path leading them to the river side.They sat on a big rock and put their feet in the river,splashing water to each other.He said so hot here and took off the clothes only with pants on.He jumped into the river and screamed,wow,so cold,my little Reto is gone.He found his lovely coffee cup and she bought a watermelon on the wat back.He drank his coffee while she ate the whole watermelon in the hotel.He said,you are amazing,where is the big watermelon now?

 

Two days before they departed for different places,in the morning she slapped on his butt to wake him.He pulled her down and asked she to go for some more sleep as well.Then they scuffled on the bed and she unconsciously kissed on a big nose.When he left, he said I will see you in your hometown again,knuschber.

 

When she saw him in her hometown,she said let me take you to somewhere fun.But they took a wrong bus and got lost.He said,i can not belive it is your hometown.She felt embarrassed and asked for road in an exotic accent.Then they walked and walked,still fingding nothing.She was unhappy and said,i hated it,my feet hurt.Don't be pissed off,he said,let us take a taxi,remember I am a rich guy.She refused and insisted on walking there,because they already walked a lot and she didn't want to give up at last.Then he held her face up and asked,well what can i do for you, knuschber,to make you happy again? She shouted,ice cream!So she waited near a parterre until he showed up with two ice cream in his hands.He said, give me a sweet smile now,knuschber.Knuschber smiled.

 

They took the same train to go to a big city,where he would leave for another country and she would stay there.The lights were off at 10 pm.People went to their own small bed gradually.They both slep on the middle bed and all kinds of snores were from everywhere.He seemed agonising and held out his hand to her for some sympathy or what,whispering,knuschber.She took his hand and said poor Reto.Then Reto quietly strided over to her small bed.It was so small even for one person.They were next to each other tightly.He said,wish I can be with you like this forever.She didn't say anything,because she didn't know what to say.

 

It was such a huge city crowded like all the other huge cities.She took him to the small hotel where she lived before,but now it was a students apartment.There were many other small hotels around,but they could not take big noses.They finally found a room underground.She felt bad and said,sorry to take you to such a shitty place,it is much better for you to live with your fellows downtown.He shaked his head,I am not here for my fellows,don't say sorry.

 

They went to a music festival together,sitting on the grassland listenning to music.the sun went down,she felt cold,so she put her hand in his pocket.Then they walked to buy some hot beer and potato chips.they sat on a bench near the lake watching people walking by.Small stage was palying some house music.The man-made ski-run for snowboarding was ready with athletes performing on it.he said,you should come to see our music festival,camping on the hills and making fire at night.She sighed,also wish I can see your play snowboard some day.He asked whether she was still cold and told her he knew a warm place.Then she put her hands on his belly,dangcing face to face in the crowd.

 

In the night before the morning he would leave,he wanted to ask her for a nice Italian meal.She saw a famous Italian resturant on a magazine.They found it without getting lost this time.But looking at the luxury resturant,they were scared.He looked down at his slippers and said,I think I don't like this place and they don't like me.They took a look into the resturant,after seeing many gentlemen in suit eating decently,they quickly ran away.It is awful,she said,let's go to the bar street and find some nice small resturant.they finally found a lovely Itlaian food place.He ordered something delisious but she didn't know the name.He asked,why do you smoke? You don't swallow and then it is meaningless.She said, i only want to keep the taste in my mouth.He said, I only want to hurt my lungs.

 

He got up in the early morning.She was too sleepy to open her eyes even.But when she heard the sounds of him packing the backbag,she still got up.They kissed each other and say a long goodbye.He said,I will write you.It is pleasant to be with you.She said,me too,have a nice trip.He left.She lied down on the bed and slept again.

 

She dosen't ask anything.she dosen't say anything.she knows she can say a long goodbye to a nice experience like that.This is what life tells  her to do.She watched him leaving quietly and said nothing more.He left quitely with no need for more asking.What it will be in the future dosen't matter.Maybe he will still keep contact with her and even see her again.Maybe she will never hear from him anymore and only keep him as a nice memory.But what is important to her is what she experienced is true. 

 

She went on her life without him as usual.But some day she just recalled him from some small things. His hair was so soft and thin. He had a smell of coffee and cigarette. He spoke randomly with confident. He liked the ham stick best of the hotpot sticks. She imagined that now he was crossing some touching boundless desert,while she was standing on the small terrace facing the huge grey city.

 

 

She went to the school restaurant with her classmates as usual. A wired number showed on her phone. She answered, holle,who is that? There was an unclear voice calling, Knuschber. She yelled out, Reto! Everybody was looking at her. She spoken with a shy tongue and didn’t know what to say. I miss you! I hope you are doing great now. I am good and I miss you too. I will be back to Ulan Bator in a week and wish I can go back to see you again before going home,but I don’t know whether the embassy will open then during the national day vacation. I can’t wait for too long. No worries,I undertand. I am already happy enough that you want to see me. if it is troublesome, no need to bother.

 

 

After that, she felt some kind of excitement everyday. She knew that she should not expect anything, cuz it would be risky for leading to a disappointment.She studied as usual and work for a magazine with a friend in the spare time. When he called again, she was interviewing some shopkeepers along the street. She said, I can’t hear you clearly. He asked, what will you do during the weekend? Wait for you,she answered with a smile. He said, sorry, you will be disappointed. The embassy closed. I bought the flight ticket tomorrow. I will go home. For a second, she heard something cracking in her heart. She knew she should not take it seriously, but still some part of her could not help expecting. She said constrainedly, well, but I hate the embassy! Lousy! Reto voiced up, what you said? I can’t hear you. Her friend was calling her to go on working. Call me an hour later. I have to work now. She said.

 

 

Late at night,she talked with a friend on the landing. Her friend said, three hours past now. he won’t call. she was depressed and said, it might be our last phone call, it sucks. One day morning she woke up and just thought,ah, Reto now is living somewhere 7 hours behind me.

 

 

Friday came. The magazine gave her 2 free ticket for an expensive concert. But she didn’t know with who she could go. 2 hours before the concert started. She finally found a classmate who just didn’t want to waste the ticket to go together. Sitting in a small restaurant, she felt so sad for being antipathetic towards her own life. She tried not to think of Reto. If he was here… it was too nice to make the fact even more tragic.

While she pitied herself,her phone rang. Suddenly the voice in the 7-hour-behind world was fiercely dragged by the local number on the phone into her real world. She screamed. Her friends beside smiled for her. Where are you? 500 metres away from you. See you half an hour later.

 

 

They didn’t finish the concert. Then they went to the lake that he liked. There were many small bars. She crouched in a red sofa with him near the bank,drinking,smoking and talking. She showed him her drawings on her note book. There are my characters for the story. Princes,knight and witch. He told her those funny things in Mongolia.

 

 

He would leave after three days. She just stayed with him those time,going out for the midnight snack,looking for a café and shopping. He bought a pair of fake sisley jeams. The seller said, you have a great body. She smiled. She bought an black stockinet shirt. He said, that looks nice. During the last day before he left, he was much more quiet than usual. He said,it is always gloomy when the trip is going to the end.

 

 

“I laugh so bad with a pain in my stomach and even tear off. Reto continues joking around and twisted his face with many wrinkle he already got for himself. Then he stops and looks at me with a bitching face and asks soulfully,at the very last moment, don’t you have anything to say to me? I shake my head like mad. Even in front of a normal face, I think I still can’t say anything. My nerves are always slow. I don’t know how long it takes to make me feel the true emotion of a long good-bye. Reto is still twisted and says, without me,how will you live when you wake up tomorrow morning? I answer quickly,go on to live my peaceful and quiet life, or you want to put me in your suitcase and take me back. Then Reto says without a hesitation, you will be too heavy for the 20 kg limit I can take. It costs even less for a filght ticket. Ah,ba! Sometimes I really want to give him a bitch snap.”

 

 

She went to the station with him. The airport bus came and they waved their hands. The bus moved further and further in front of her,while she was walking toward the same direction. Finally, it disappeared in the end of the road. She sit in the bus back to her place, feeling numb without any expression.

 

When Jar Jar is calling,she is on her way.

 

 

她并不是爱上他,她只是已经开始习惯.尽管她知道他很快就会离开。她越是无所谓，越是不在意，事情越是走向一个有点让她担忧的境地。他不在的时候，晚上，她开始为自己担心起来。任何决定已经晚了，她只能等待一切走到尽头，等习惯变成不习惯，再回到习惯。她并不难过。他走了，她的生活还要继续。她在心里默默的说，很高兴认识你。

她说我叫加加，他说，我最喜欢的一首歌总是唱当加加呼唤的时候。然后他们开始一起旅行。路很烂，巴士颠簸的厉害，加加想，一切和以往所有的旅行一样。堵车的时候，大家坐在草地上野餐。太阳慢慢爬下山坡，他拿出一包烟。她也忍不住抽了一只。旁边有一条小河，一群喇嘛坐在河边休息。嗑长头的父亲带着两个大点的孩子，母亲拉着一辆木板车，上面睡着两个幼儿，一只大龅牙狗也和他们一块去圣城。她给了小孩子一把大白兔奶糖，他把刚打开的饼干递给他们，他说，哎呀，我其实很喜欢那个饼干。晚上，他从背包里拿出迷你的公放，房间里充满关于加加的歌。他说，以后你就是我的克路西波。他很累，很快就睡着了。加加关掉公放，看了看对面床上的同伴，睡的像条狗一样的奥多，连名字也像一条狗，她心里想，然后也睡了。

他们要去山上的寺庙，走到途中却下起了小雨。他说我们躲到桥下去吧。这时一个穿红衣的年轻喇嘛从远处骑着一辆大摩托潇洒的驶来，然后很潇洒的停下来邀请他们搭车。她坐中间，激动的不得了，身子贴着喇嘛，他贴着她。她说，真是太妙了，简直是旅途中最美好的回忆之一，这是我第一次坐摩托车呢，就遇到一个潇洒的喇嘛。他很郁闷的说，可惜还有我这么个多余的人。他们到了寺庙，一群喇嘛围住看他的唇环和身上的文身。然后他们来到寺庙背后的草地上，他为了抓拍几张好的照片很有耐心的等待老鹰盘旋经过头顶。她于是很惬意的躺在草地上晒太阳。突然跑来一个围着哈达的小男孩，拖着他的手示意要他们去什么地方。于是他们跟着他来到了一所破烂的只有一个老师的小学校，受到了贵宾般的欢迎,照了无数的照片。回来的路上他们坐在山崖边休息，他突然脱了她的鞋放到远处的斜坡上，还向里面投石子。他说，再多一点重量，你的鞋就要掉下去了。她一点也不慌张，说，那你就背我下山再把它找回来。他们沿着一条土路走了很久，才找到一个可以下到河边的小坡，然后找到一块大石头坐下把脚伸到冰冰的河水里，还偶尔互相泼水挑衅。他说真热啊，于是脱的只剩下短裤跳进河里，一边尖叫，一边说，好冷啊，小鸡鸡都缩不见了！他买到了中意的咖啡杯，她买了一个大西瓜，他教她打台球，但是她一点进步都没有。晚上回到房间里，他很享受的喝着黑咖啡，她吃了整整一个西瓜。他说，你真是太神奇了，那么大个西瓜去哪了？分别前两天的一个早上，她死劲拍打他叫他起床，却被他一把拉倒了，他说，你也再睡会儿，然后他们扭打在一起，她不小心亲到了他的大鼻子。他的巴士比她的早一个小时。他说我会在你的家乡再见你。然后她看着他离开，自己再起身收拾东西。

她在家乡又见到他时,她说我带你去个好玩的地方，他们却坐错了巴士，然后迷路了。他说，你骗我，这怎么可能是你的家乡。她觉得很没面子，装做自己也是外地人向一个路过的太婆问路。然后他们走啊走，还是没有走到。她说我脚疼了，真讨厌。他说，不要不高兴，我们找出租车吧，我可是有钱人。她不愿意，觉得那样之前的付出就白费了。我一定要走到那个地方，她倔强的说。他说，我的克路西波，千万不要不高兴，告诉我什么能让你高兴，我都去做。克路西波说，冰淇淋！然后她坐在路边的花台边等他两手举着冰淇淋出现在面前。他说，还生气吗，笑一个吧。克路西波于是笑了。

然后他们一起坐火车去一个大城市。他要去那里坐火车去另一个国家，她要留在那里生活。火车上十点熄了灯,所有人都陆续回到自己狭小的床上睡下。他们两都睡中铺，上下的人呼噜声起伏不觉。他一脸苦恼，说，克路西波，然后向她伸出手似乎想要得到一些同情。于是她牵住他的手说，可怜的奥多。奥多小心翼翼的跨到克路西波的铺上。空间是如此狭小，他们紧紧贴在一起。奥多说，真希望永远这样和你在一起。克路西波什么都没说，她知道自己什么都不应该说。




那是一个巨大的城市，和所有巨大的城市一样拥挤。 她带他来到那所自己曾栖身的小旅馆，却已经被改成了学生公寓，附近还有很多其他小旅馆，他们却不能收留大鼻子。她只找到了一个地下室。她说，真对不起，都是我害的，你还是搬到你的同伴们那里吧。他拍拍她的头说，我来这里不是为了和我的同伴们在一起，不要说对不起。

他们一起去看音乐节，坐在草地上听音乐。太阳下山了，她觉得冷，于是把手放在他的衣兜里。他们去小食店买热啤酒和薯片。然后坐在河边的凳子上观望过往的行人。小舞台放着舞曲，旁边人工的雪坡已经建好。被邀请来的运动员在玩滑雪板。他说有机会去我们山里的音乐节，带着帐篷和睡袋，太阳落山后大家在一块烤火。她说，真好，还想看看你滑滑雪板，你也可以看到我的花样摔倒。他说你还冷吗，我知道一个暖和的地方。她于是把手放到他的肚子上取暖,面对面在人群里轻轻跳舞。

走之前的晚上，他要请她吃意大利菜。她在一本杂志上找到了一个似乎很有名的地方。然后他们很幸运的，没有迷路的情况下找到了那里。可是看着眼前金碧辉煌的餐厅，他看了看脚下的夹脚拖鞋，说，我讨厌这样的地方，他们也讨厌我。他们鼓起勇气跨进门，就看到许多坐的笔直西装革履的大鼻子幽雅的吃着晚餐，然后他们就头也不回的跑了出来。她说，好可怕，我们还是去酒吧街的小餐厅吧。他们找到一家很可爱的意大利餐馆，门外坐着许多喝酒的年轻人。他们于是选了一个靠窗的高脚座位，他点了一些她不知道名字但是很好吃的东西。他说，你为什么要抽烟呢，你都不咽下去，真是浪费。她说，我只是想要嘴里的味道。他说，我只是想虐待带我的肺。

早上他一大早就起来了，她困的连眼睛都挣不开。但是听见他收拾背包的声音时，她还是坐了起来。他们拥抱亲吻告别，他说，我会给你写信的，和你在一起的日子真是美好。她说，我也是，路上好运。他走了，她倒在床上，又睡着了。


她什么也不会问,她什么也不会说。她知道这样自己才可以和一段美好的经历轻松的拥抱别离。这是生活告诉她的方式。她会静静的看着他离开，不做任何挽留。他会静静的离开，不需要任何挽留。以后会怎样，那其实不重要。也许还能继续联系，甚至再见，也许从此侥无音训，形同陌路。但重要的是，她会一直拥有这段美好的回忆。

以后没有他的日子，她平静而自然的生活，但每一天里总有那么一两次从一些细微的细节里记起他。他的头发柔软而纤细。他的身上总有咖啡和烟的味道。他说话随意而自信。他喜欢吃麻辣烫里的火腿串。她想，他正在蒙古穿越某个荒凉却震撼人心的大草原。而她站在狭小的阳台上，凝视着眼前灰鸦鸦的城市，叹气。


她和同学如往常一样去小食堂吃午餐，一个奇怪的号码出现在她的手机上。她说，喂喂，你找谁。电话那头，一个不清楚的声音说，克路西波。然后她失声大喊，艾多！所有人都看着她。她结结巴巴的，说什么好呢。我真想你，希望你一切很好。我很好，我也想你。等一个星期以后回到乌兰巴托，我想从蒙古来北京见你，然后回国。但是我不知道那个时候大使馆因为国庆时是否放假。我等不了一个星期。加加说，我明白，你能想到见我，我已经很高兴了。如果不方便，也不要麻烦。


晚上，她握着手机，和朋友在楼道上聊天。朋友说，他不会打来了，已经过了三个小时。她很失落，说，那就是我们最后一个电话吗？却这样的龌龊。一天早上醒来，她想，啊，他已经在七个小时之前的世界里了。



星期五的时候，杂志送给了她两张昂贵的演唱会门票。她却不知道约谁好，朋友不喜欢哥特乐队或是已经有约，离演唱会还有两个小时，她才勉强约到一个同学。坐在一个小饭馆里，她不尽为自己与生活的格格不入而悲哀。她简直不敢想起艾多。如果他在，那样的美好把现实对比的更加惨淡。


正在她自怜的时候，电话响了，那个七小时之间的声音突然手机屏幕上显示的本地号码激烈的拖入现实生活。她尖叫起来，身边的朋友为她微笑。你在哪？离你五百米远的地方。半小时后见。


演出没有看完，他们去了他怀恋的湖边。那里有无数的小酒吧。他们蜷在岸边一个柔软的红沙发上喝酒，抽烟，聊天。她给他看自己本子上的的画，这个是我的故事人物，公主，巫婆和骑士。他讲他在蒙古的新鲜事。


三天后他还是要走。那几天她就陪着他，吃夜宵，找咖啡店,逛街。他买了一条盗版的sisley牛仔裤。老板说，你身材真好。她开心的笑。她买了一件紧身的黑色针织开衫，他说真好看。走之前的一天，他的话比平时少。他说，每次旅行要结束时，总是很烦。



“我笑的胃痛，眼泪也出来了。艾多继续自言自语同时扭曲那张已经被他自己搞了很多褶子的脸，然后像很犯贱的漫画人物一般深情地说，在这最后的时候，你难道没有什么想对我说的吗？我使劲摇头，就算是面对的是一张正常的人脸，我还是什么都说不出来吧。我的传入神经总是很慢，不知道要过多久，我才有又能感受到分别的情绪。艾多继续面部抽搐着说，没有我，你明天要如何生活呢？我说，继续过我自己宁静的生活啊，不然你把我装进行李箱带走吧！于是艾多毫不犹豫地说，那你还不如买张飞机票呢，也比超出20公斤行李限制付费便宜。啊，叭！真有拍死人的冲动。”

后来，她有时在网上见到他，打字或者语音聊天。他说他想她。她宁愿相信。她想忘记他，因为她总是想起他，可他说，你以为我会忘记你吗，我每天都想起你。她便觉得就这样吧，继续默默地想他直到自己累了，继续相信那些不能被证实的美好言语。其实，等需要时，一切就会过去。

当加加呼唤的时候，她的生活已经开始。

I looked at the pictures again and again until my camera was power off. I could not imagine the future and tried to stick to the carefree past. I was too afraid I was starting to let myself down again and I kept telling myself it was enough. I believed in fate too much and I was never brave enough to know the chance was coming. How could time wait for me? On the wide grassland, in the gentle water of a small river and under the blinking stars, my joys were all soon taken by it. I wished the world just freeze in that moment and closed my eyes to hold back the tears. Life is just a beautiful sorrow with endless ups and downs. I struggled all the way just for the second of content while standing on the highest point. But as I went up, I had to go down as well. Moving on was to live on.

Many things happened in people’s life. How was love suddenly gone when it came to a limit time? How could friendship turn so blank when something touched the sensitive line? How did we lose our dreams and became so numb? How was the world changing so incredibly around us? We could not get rid of those shadows and lived in a sweet dream. I knew I need to come back to my life. I thought a lot in my past. It was time to put some action in the future.

Once my heart was hurt, the wound would stay there for very long. But I still risked myself for good will. Death was no big deal if there was nothing worthy of living for. There were many nice people. Some were just used to be nice most of the time, some were just nice to you for their own goodness and some were just faking for purposes. They all said I trusted people too easily. I also knew I gave my heart out too naively. But I could not stand to be so careful with every deal with others. Life should not be so tired and complicated. If there was no pure heart, I didn’t want any fake warm either. There were so many messes that I just wanted to run away. I was not strong enough to deal with them. I was always a desperate person. I loved so many things in my life. However I still felt there was a great hardship to go through before I got to what I wanted. I hated myself for sticking to some meaningless past and some dangerous joys. I should let them all go, the good and the bad. I should stop the mess. Then life can be more easy and frank to me.


“I dreamed about you coming back so many nights. Every time I was so happy but blamed you were not being a good daughter to make us so worried. But then I woke up,found it a dream and felt so empty and sad.” I laid my head on mom’s shoulder, I told her everything that I was not brave enough to tell before. She just said “do take good care of yourself and be smart”.

“One day I just missed you so much and sent you a message. But then I remembered that you could not get it. Come back and tell me all your great stories!” It recalled me the sincere tears I saw in my sister's eyes when I told her my bad story. We could talk for hours walking along the night street and I sighed in front of her.

While time passing, we have more and more things to hide and less and less part that we dare to share. I felt so pathetic for this change and I wanted to hold what I had as much as I could. But I could not find out the truth when there was nothing challenging the appearance. I could only gamble. It was never a ideal world.

 

never mind.