I looked at the pictures again and again until my camera was power off. I could not imagine the future and tried to stick to the carefree past. I was too afraid I was starting to let myself down again and I kept telling myself it was enough. I believed in fate too much and I was never brave enough to know the chance was coming. How could time wait for me? On the wide grassland, in the gentle water of a small river and under the blinking stars, my joys were all soon taken by it. I wished the world just freeze in that moment and closed my eyes to hold back the tears. Life is just a beautiful sorrow with endless ups and downs. I struggled all the way just for the second of content while standing on the highest point. But as I went up, I had to go down as well. Moving on was to live on.

Many things happened in people’s life. How was love suddenly gone when it came to a limit time? How could friendship turn so blank when something touched the sensitive line? How did we lose our dreams and became so numb? How was the world changing so incredibly around us? We could not get rid of those shadows and lived in a sweet dream. I knew I need to come back to my life. I thought a lot in my past. It was time to put some action in the future.

Once my heart was hurt, the wound would stay there for very long. But I still risked myself for good will. Death was no big deal if there was nothing worthy of living for. There were many nice people. Some were just used to be nice most of the time, some were just nice to you for their own goodness and some were just faking for purposes. They all said I trusted people too easily. I also knew I gave my heart out too naively. But I could not stand to be so careful with every deal with others. Life should not be so tired and complicated. If there was no pure heart, I didn’t want any fake warm either. There were so many messes that I just wanted to run away. I was not strong enough to deal with them. I was always a desperate person. I loved so many things in my life. However I still felt there was a great hardship to go through before I got to what I wanted. I hated myself for sticking to some meaningless past and some dangerous joys. I should let them all go, the good and the bad. I should stop the mess. Then life can be more easy and frank to me.


“I dreamed about you coming back so many nights. Every time I was so happy but blamed you were not being a good daughter to make us so worried. But then I woke up,found it a dream and felt so empty and sad.” I laid my head on mom’s shoulder, I told her everything that I was not brave enough to tell before. She just said “do take good care of yourself and be smart”.

“One day I just missed you so much and sent you a message. But then I remembered that you could not get it. Come back and tell me all your great stories!” It recalled me the sincere tears I saw in my sister's eyes when I told her my bad story. We could talk for hours walking along the night street and I sighed in front of her.

While time passing, we have more and more things to hide and less and less part that we dare to share. I felt so pathetic for this change and I wanted to hold what I had as much as I could. But I could not find out the truth when there was nothing challenging the appearance. I could only gamble. It was never a ideal world.

 

never mind.